We Seek It Here, We Seek It There, We Look For Love Every Where!
We expect it to come to us, usually through another person. All our conditioning (The Bible, our culture, religion, schooling, society, and our peers) says it is something we “fall” into. And yet—and yet real love cannot be acquired, possessed, or accumulated. It cannot be known at all, when we think it comes from outside ourselves –for love is what we DO. The ultimate paradox is WE ARE IT. We are love. Each one of us is a source of love that has forgotten that love is what I am, what I do. Doesn’t feel right does it? That’s because it’s been so long wince we knew—if we ever did—and experienced ourselves in the true way.
And yet we all know that the deepest trust, faith—the purest love is known and expressed only when we give it, not take it. As we give (or show) love in whatever way is appropriate—without fear--, we we are the only ones to experience it first, on the way out. Falling into love is impossible. To do so is only infatuation, sexual attraction, or obsession with an external object which appears to fill the gap, the emptiness, in ourselves. As soon as the object or person is remembered when they are not present, and when they do not need to be remembered it is simply an attachment, which if sustained, will become a dependency. And attachments and dependency are not love. But you already knew that—didn’t you?
We come from all walks of life. We are men and women. We have differing sexual orientations. We have different life expectations, different experiences, different life styles, some of us are in relationships, some want to be, some of us live alone and are very happy. Despite the differences in our individual experiences, we are human beings and reveal, or share ourselves with another in intimate ways, and explore with that SPECIAL NEW PERSON, and appropriately receive the shared self of that person. Therefore the beginning stages of a potential love relationship can be intense and exciting. Most—especially young people—easily relate to that “rush” of first love and romance: the stuff of songs—it is so easy to fall in love--, endless greeting cards, salutations, and warm memories. Healthy intimacy, it might be, however is characterized by more than romance, intensity, and sex. Intimacy evolves over time. It can be difficult for anyone who is not a “Chaser” or a “Runaway” to understand how love, or sexuality can be exploited, or evolve, into a destructive pattern of addiction, and compulsion. Yet for the “Chaser” and “Runaway” romantic love, sexuality, and the closeness they offer, are experiences most often filled with pitfalls, anxiety, and pain. Living in a sometimes chaotic, emotional world of desperation and despair, fearful of being alone or rejected, the Chaser or runaway endlessly long for that “special relationship. They live in a fantasy world, and there for can be forgiven in believing that ANOTHER PERSON IS NECESSARY TO FEEL COMPLETE. Their relationships will ALL FAIL.
In its simplest form the “Chaser” and the “Runaway” is what we are looking at and experiencing here, we believe the above capitalized phrase. When love, and sexuality, is used as a way to cope, rather than a way to grow, and share, partner choice can become distorted; often the entire life style. Compatibility becomes based on “whether or not you will leave me”,” how intense our sex life is”, or how I can cajole you into staying, rather than on whether you might truly become a confidante, friend, and companion. To say “I love you” properly one must first know how to say “I” and the I must never be left out.
The Chaser
The Chaser and the Runaway are both forms of Obsessive/Compulsive relationship experience done in the face of very harmful consequences. While the exact opposite in meaning, the two traits are often confused. Both are compulsively driven to try to get someone else to tell them they are loveable and loved. Women are more often the Chasers in a relationship, although men are also Chasers. Because I believed, and still do: That you make your bed and lie in it--I lived with chasers for many years, and spent, what to me was a large fortune on therapy.
I fought, Social Services, the established system, the courts for years before it was finally admitted that THEY WERE WRONG, morally, ethically, and legally. Their standard "fix all" became "HOW WERE WE TO KNOW?" There are something's that just can not be "fixed". And while I did recieve a written apology; a son can not be brought back from the grave
In order to just survive, I had to learn and learn quickly and well; so I definitely feel that I know what I’m talking about.
Possible Characteristics of the Chaser style can include:
Often extend great effort to “look” healthy” but actually neglect to care for themselves while they’re in the relationship.
Prone to tattoos and body augmentation.
Often chasers were very close to one parent; who never quite fulfilled ALL their needs but felt rejected or spurned by the other. High break-up rate despite deep involvement, and/or children.
Intense grieving following loss.
Unstable self-respect combined with self doubt.
Prefer being “cuddly” rather than actual sex.
Although they like to work with others, they often feel under appreciated
View partner as unsupportive
Daydreams of success but often unable to sustain efforts.
Vulnerable to eating disorders but will often gain weight rather than losing.
May perceive parents as controlling, domineering, intrusive, or unfair.
Tend to be emotional when under stress.
Worry about rejection during daily interactions.
Jealous and untrusting.
Afraid of separation.
Afraid of growing old and death.
The three following characteristics can sum up the major behavioural symptoms of a Chaser:
1. Chasers assign a disproportionate amount of time, attention and “value above themselves” to the person to whom they are chasing and this focus often has an obsessive quality about it.
2. Chasers have unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from the other person in the relationship.
3. Chasers neglect to care for or value themselves while in a relationship.
The Chaser’s childhood history is one of abandonment. Chasers have been neglected in one way or another, from alcoholic, drug-addicted, work-addicted, or emotionally unavailable parents. This can also happen with a parent who dies, or goes away. They don’t receive enough connection and nurture from the parent or care giver. From this experience, the child feels a void that can destroy their self-respect. The belief is that their worth must low to have deserved a parent not meeting their needs. The internal message becomes “if the person is supposed to love and support me (parents) doesn’t, then I must not be worth very much.” As a method of surviving this abandonment, many children crate a fantasy of the “perfect Father/Mother” or that they will someday ( like Cinderella) be rescued from their life ;but often instead of a prince the rescuer is a super nurturing female. This fantasy creates a state of euphoria due to the release of endorphins which temporarily relieve the emotional pain.
This is a survival technique because the reality of their major caregivers not meeting their needs is too painful to fully realise. This lack of nurturing and support determines their worth and value.
When the Chaser grows up, this void, as well as this fantasy continues. They meet another person to whom they are attracted, and the fantasy of a “rescuer/healer” is placed on their partner. It is with this person, THEY HOPE to have all those needs met they didn’t get when they were younger. The personal needs that the chaser was addressing before the relationship decrease as the dependence upon the “fantasy” increases. Rather than a bond (love) with another person, the Chaser begins to live through their partner.
When the realisation happens that their partner cannot fill this void and their need aren’t being met, the pain from their childhood is revisited and the anger/pain resentment is projected onto their present relationship. Thus begins the withdrawal from the relationship and the fantasy itself. Chasers want intimacy, but can’t tolerate “healthy intimacy”, so they will choose the Runaway who cannot be intimate in a healthy way. The chaser believes that if this partner cannot fill this void or deficiency, no one will be able to, and they will have to live alone. Their greatest fear are being alone and a feeling that there is no-one there for them. This again is an unbearable reality, leading the Chaser into a depression. They are not biologically addictive, but the withdrawal can be very long and painful. There is a perceived need so great, it can feel like life or death and Chasers do often become suicidal.
The Runaway
The runaway is the obsessive fear of being engulfed, imprisoned, and/or drained by intimate contact.
Possible Characteristics of the Runaway style can include:
Avoid any outside control.
Less invested in relationships
Show less grief following loss.
During sex with partner, fantasizes about someone else. More casual sex.
More casual sex—will often use sex to relieve stress.
Find social interactions boring and irrelevant; but like to be in an impersonal crowd where they can get lost.
Prefers to work alone.
Workaholics as a way to avoid relationship.
Tend to recall parents as rejecting and rebuffing.
Tend to have experienced child-hood trauma (eg. Abused, alcoholic parents).
Withdraws from partner when partner or self is stressed.
Unable to remember relationships well.
Hostile/hateful when provoked.
Have death anxiety but tend not to reveal it directly.
Resent getting older.
Runaways usually have another addiction, such as “Sex Addiction” or chemical dependency. Runaways have a difficult time staying in a relationship because of the fear that their partner will take over their lives, or of their partner being “too demanding” on their time energy and emotions. Relationship intensity feels frightening and draining to them
1. The childhood history of a Runaway is one of enmeshment, or engulfment, or control by someone else’s neediness. When they were young, a major caregiver lived through them or used them. The child was shown a young age that their job was to care for the major caregiver rather than having their own need met.
2. To many, this relationship appears to be very close. But in reality, this parent is taking away the child’s freedom and sense of self. Their job is now to care for the parent. The internal message is “My worth is determined by my ability to care for others, in the process I will be sucked dry” This is their belief about their own worth and value.
3. The child being the scapegoat can also present enmeshment; the child acts out all of the feelings for the family. This child gets a lot of attention for being the “best of the bad.”
4. The Runaways’ withdrawal from a relationship is different from the Chaser because there is an initial sense of relief from “escaping”. At the termination of the relationship, the Runaway has no one to take care of. But this triggers fear for the runaway because taking care of others has been his or only identity. This withdrawal can become a painful experience, feeling as real as life or death. The runaway often returns to the chaser out of guilt, he/she feels responsible for that person somehow because that is how it felt in the runaway’s family of origin.
Very Important:
The above is but a very simple outline of the Chaser /Runaway syndrome. It can become very complicated and confusing as one person can interchange these roles, depending on circumstances and stress levels. A Runaway can escape the intimacy in his or her primary relationship by “Chasing” someone else. Or a Chaser may be so affected by the withdrawal process that they become a Runaway. In some relationships for example, a son could be "chasing his mother, or a daughter could be “Chasing” her father, thus being a Runaway with her boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband.
Cycle of Chaser/Runaway
Unlike the healthy person, seeking partnership, and sex, as a compliment to their life, the chaser, and runaway search for something outside of themselves; (a person, relationship, or experience), which will provide them with the emotional, and life stability, that they themselves lack. Similar to a drug addict or alcoholic, chasers and runaways use their arousing romantic/sexual experiences in an attempt to “fix” themselves and remain emotionally stable. When the chaser and runaway come together, the initial response is bliss and fantasy. This, despite the fact, that their entire relationship is filled with positive, and negative, intensity. These relationships are the epitome of “can’t live with “em, can’t live without “em; but also fit in very nicely with the “modern” conception of LOVE.
Initially, the relationship is blissful; because both of the people’s “needs” are being met. The chaser believes that they have finally met the person who will “fill” them. This situation is familiar to them both. Also, there is hope that childhood wounds can be healed. They are with someone who will rescue, comfort, and seduce, them. The runaways believe similarly-that the chaser is familiar, and there is a chance that their wounds from childhood might be healed. The runaway hopes that by meeting someone whom is not perceived as powerful and controlling, they might not be engulfed. They both are distracted from their lives by this initial bliss, and fantasy keeps them from really seeing themselves and with whom they are involved.
Ultimately though, this bliss does not last long. They begin to be repelled by each other, when the fantasy fades. When the reality of the neediness from the chaser shows itself, the runaway does what they feel they need to do to survive.
First, the runaway will often try to separate by using criticism of the chaser. They also avoid intimacy, and revealing conversations, by watching TV or cleaning the house, or listening to the radio loudly in the car. Then, they might begin to act with other people, spend a lot of time at a spa or tanning salon, gamble, drink, or act out in some other addictive way. Often, they will get a tattoo, or have their body pierced, as a “tribute” to another failed relationship. Many Runaways will act out in addiction (one of the reasons there are so many juvenile prostitutes)They attempt to separate due to their past enmeshment being triggered This then triggers the history of abandonment of the chaser. The chaser begins to feel the withdrawal from the runaway and begins to be haunted by it. Many, Chasers act out, (or act in), with Alcohol, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Behaviours, and self-harm thoughts, and actions--Chasers are prime suicide candidates.
The Chaser was abandoned in their childhood, and their worth was determined by neglect. Though on a conscious level they fear abandonment, their belief system refuses, and denies, true/healthy intimacy. They live in a fantasy of intimacy, and sabotage real LOVE, or intimacy
Runaways have a conscious fear of engulfment, but why would they continue to be involved with Chasers? They have been engulfed in their childhood, learning that their value came from serving the needs of others above their own needs. If they have no one needing them, no one to serve, then they have no “right or “worth” So even though they push away the Chaser, when the Chaser becomes distracted in their own addiction, or in another person, the runaways fear of abandonment surfaces. Often they then seduce the Chaser back, or begin the cycle again with another person. The Chaser is not difficult to re-engage. A simple bouquet of flowers, or a telephone call can trigger the fantasy all over again.
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